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recently;

1. on monday i checked out a stack of books from the library. mainly books by camus and nietzsche, plus poetry by anne sexton, and a dream dictionary to decode all the strange things that have been happening in my brain when i'm asleep. i feel good about this.
2. yesterday i babysat for a little girl i haven't watched since her toddler days. she's eight now. her parents recently divorced. i only know this because she told me herself. 
3. today i talked to chris. out of nowhere he pointed out how differently i interact with the world than everyone else he knows. he said i really shouldn't feel ugly inside or outside or anywhere else anymore. i don't know how to stop these feelings. i hate myself more and more each day. i don't want to be inside of myself anymore.
4. sometimes i feel like my heart has disconnected itself from my body, and it's floating, disintegrated, in the air around me.  
5. whenever i get to my exit on the freeway, i debate skipping home altogether and driving as far as i can get on whatever's in the gas tank. starting a new life. changing my name, living on the road, missing nobody, loving everybody.
6. i want to be a completely new person.   
7. everyday i keep repeating to myself, i can walk away, i can walk away.

p.s. i'm going to post stuff here really soon, friends. please forgive me for my absence.