*

two small parts of a very big weekend

rest in peace, sweet little baby george. 3.28 - 3.29. i hope god builds a tiny kitten heaven, just for you.

*

i was cleaning my room the other day and found this collage i made out of newspaper scraps and flower petals while i was staying in chico with my grandma in summer. i actually spent a lot of time collaging and doodling and writing the week that i was there, but i don't think i feel comfortable sharing any of the other stuff because it's a lot more personal--most of it had to do with working out my feelings about my grandpa's suicide.

i'm sorry for the lack of updates this month. i haven't been able to access some of my more recent scans because the charging cable for the laptop i share with my brother and sister broke and thus: computer = dead. we're supposed to get a new cable soon, so i'll have my photos from greece to share.

   i thought i'd maybe collect some thoughts as this year is coming to a swift close. it was such a strange one, so many ups and downs. i feel like i've come out without an identity. i have absolutely no idea who i am anymore, and am having a hard time distinguishing my emotions. i've always been so good at knowing exactly what i'm feeling in every sense, so i've been at a total loss. it's isn't about putting the puzzle together anymore, it's about finding all the missing pieces. i don't know how to express this complete void inside of my personal art, and for that reason have been making much less than i normally do. on top of that, i no longer have any sort of natural desire whatsoever to share the few personal things i have made recently, even with the people i'm close to.
   i deleted my facebook last week, because i feel like everyone hates me, and being on that website only made it worse. i hate every single part of myself, and everything reminds me of this. and it's confusing, because up until the end of autumn, i felt like i was reaching a breakthrough of some sort. i was coming out of the longest tunnel, i could almost touch the light at the end, and then something turned the sun off.
   i try to sit down and write letters to my penpals, and nothing comes out. i think about all the presents i want to make for them and things i've found to send, but i've yet to put any packages together. i feel so guilty for neglecting the people i care about.

i've been collecting all my goals for the new year, mainly geared toward when this storm passes, and am presenting them here to keep a written record for me to look back at:

• get better at sending people things. making things for other people. i end up getting so much joy out of sending packages to penpals, but i hate rushing it when i only have a few spare hours. i think it would be a good idea to designate days for working on everything all at once.
• form healthier eating and sleeping habits. i either overeat and oversleep, or starve myself of food and rest. it's very bad and i need to stop.
• get back into redoing my website completely, and finally buy a url for it. 
• save up money to travel more, and move out. i want to go to morocco, and greece again, and the rest of europe, and i want to move up north.
• figure out what i want to do education-wise and look into universities. 
• read more books, listen to more music, watch more movies. culture myself when i'm not in school.
• make better art. much better art.
• also, i would like to put together a book with family stories, family photos, poems, pictures, drawings and paintings, found photos, fictional stories about found photos, etc, etc. a sort of collection of all the things that interest me and bring me to my typewriter in the middle of the night.

   for those who haven't given up on reading this, i apologize for rambling on for so long. i had no intention of writing a novel when i started this post. i feel comfortable with the relatively small number of followers i have here, as if this is the only place i can really be my honest self without having to worry so much. i don't throw around the link to this blog much for that reason. i trust you people, whoever you are out there, taking the time to read these things. i hope you all have a very happy new year, and that 2014 is good to you.

*

i'm on top of a mountain,
fingers stained bloodycrimson
from picking strawberries
& reading steinbeck;
i see all the stars at dusk,
& feel that mucky undercrust
orbiting beneath me, volcanic,
as i lay in the rocky driveway
trying to phone a friend
while the crickets scream;
i'm waking up in the morning
in an unfamiliar bed, feet cold
from a too-short bedspread
losing to the open window wind
that keeps biting on my toes;
i'm listening in the kitchen
as sunlight fights its way through
a box-shaped hole in the ceiling
and casts a little shadow
on the beam with the hook,
where i presume a noose hung;
& i'm looking at wedding pictures,
travel pictures, tiny teardrops
rolling steady down my cheek,
some caught on my lashtips,
mascara smearies all around
as i look at love in flux;
a bird just flew into the glass
of the window behind me

*

may 30th

• my grandfather killed himself today;
• 
  
• i cleaned my room and cried for a while,
• 
  
• made dinner for my little brother and sister,
• 
  
• & rested my head on the heartbeat of a sweet boy.

*

last weekend
i finally discovered
the perfect way
to fall asleep;
with your left arm
threaded through
the space between
my neck and the sheet
.................
in the middle of
the midafternoon heat
your room feels [a lot]
like summer in spring

#152

two little things:

i've got a splinter in my pointer finger stabbing at my nail, it hurts a lot. this week i'm working on:

• sewing a pretty new skirt and bandeau top set
• taking pictures of clothes i'm selling on tumblr
• putting together some new posts for this photoblog
• scanning a new roll of film and a couple instaxes
• finishing up a drawing of mila that i'm doing for fun
• watercoloring a series of deer for the juvenilia
• scanning all the drawings i've been doing in my life drawing and sculpture classes so far this semester
• considering posting some snippets from my private journal where i draw and write and collect things
• making and sending letters to all my lovelies
• various school projects (jncluding a paper on dutch elm disease and other invasive fungal species)

now play these two at the same time, it's magic:

*

i'm probably going to delete this post really soon, but i was just sitting here, getting some photo work done so i can watch a rerun of friends and then force myself to go to sleep at twelve, when i remembered that today someone hugged me very close and told me that he wished i could be clothing so he could wear me everyday to work. this is also someone who told me once that he wished my body could be glued to his, and another time that he wished i could be the comforter on his bed, or at least his pillow. and now i have this stupid grin on my face... i'm not used to this kind of happy; on the rare occasions that i feel it, i can't help but think my heart is going to burst.

*

*

three things:

1. i'm sorry i've been terrible at updating this blog. i don't know why, but every time i start to think about posting any of my new pictures and artwork and poems here i remember how behind i am and instead of even trying to catch up i put it off until i'm even more behind. it never stops.

i don't know what's wrong with me. 

2. i shot my first wedding recently, a beautiful thing in morro bay, and i wasn't expecting to feel so many emotions in the process. the worst part is that i don't even know how to put any of those emotions into words. i can't explain.

i don't know what's wrong with me.

3. i don't know why i'm writing this here, because it's definitely personal, and definitely not something i would want just anyone, particularly a certain someone, to see, but: 

i miss being able to say "i want to go home" without home being you. or actually, i really just miss when it was okay for home to be you. because i miss you. and i love you. and i wish things were better. i wish i knew what i wanted when you knew what you wanted, and vice versa.

i don't know what's wrong with me.

*(this post will self destruct really soon - idk when, man.)

#125

poor little blog! i've been slacking and i know it. i haven't abandoned this space completely though; i'll be back very soon, my sweets.

#114

     it's come to my attention that this blog is starting to fall by the wayside. something that i've noticed that i'm very good at is being diligent with one project for a burst of time, and then abruptly failing to keep at it. basically every diary or notebook or journal i've ever kept has ended in such a way. i really don't want that to happen to this blog. i realize that i'm very much behind in everything that i've been needing to do. somebody was talking in a car the other day--i can't quite remember who, but i think it may have been thea--about how they had recently heard somebody else say that if you want something in life, you need to work towards that something every single day. and that makes sense, because no matter how big or small the amount of action you take, so long as you're taking action you must be moving forward. i feel that for me personally, a career in art is the something that i'm working toward, and so from now on, i'm going to try and do something to work towards that every day. whether it be drawing, painting, writing, taking photographs, getting in touch with people who can help me, or even small things like dropping off film or posting photos to this blog, i am going to put all the dedication that i can possibly muster into those things.
     with that being said (and i think most of it has been said before in some way or another in past posts) here are just a couple drawings i did recently that i decided to scan this morning:

this is a drawing of kurt cobain that i made for rachel for her birthday.

this is a drawing of kirsten dunst with a dunce cap on her head that i made because liam told me to.

     also, here is a page of dialogue from a passive aggressive play that i wrote on june 16th when i was feeling very down. it is 27% based upon a real conversation, and has a few profanities, so therefore continue reading at your own discretion.

*

i was talking with a special someone yesterday about feeling disconnected from other human beings and he brought up the topic of creating and sharing and feeling like nobody cares about things unless they're on the internet. he also talked about how left out he feels and it definitely made me feel a little less alone knowing i'm not the only one who feels that way. i'm just so bad at being anything other than a spectator, and i can't think of anything harder than forming relationships with people. i've been feeling pretty down since summer started because everyone seems so busy with their own lives, and i don't know how to get the friendship ball rolling without feeling awkward and unequipped with the social skills to make friends . . . not that any of this matters, really. i just think i've found myself in a position of retreat from both human interaction, sharing the art i've been making, and just being on the internet in general all at the same time and i don't know how good or bad of a thing that is. i guess what i'm really saying is, i'm sorry i haven't done anything in a while and i promise i'll update this little corner of the internet with pictures from coachella and photo shoots and other things really soon. i have three rolls of film share here, three rolls of film to pick up and scan, and a special spread i shot that i'm excited to share on the eighteenth. plus, i'm doing a shoot at the end of june that i am really excited about. so, yeah. tomorrow. new pictures. i promise.

*this post will get deleted tomorrow when I PROMISE i will post new photos.

#61

here are some revised and tidied up versions of a few of yesterday's typings, plus an old doodle i found in my typewriter case and three new writings.







 also, here are some instaxes i took today. i'll post some film from this shoot soon!

#60

i've been playing with my typewriter again for the first time in a long while.

#14

breaking my sabbatical one last time to upload this set of self portraits i took sort of spur of the moment on a particularly windy day last week in probably one of the prettiest dresses i've ever worn, made by the lovely kelsey genna.



personally i think this one is ugly but lexi really liked it so i'm uploading it for her.







i had a little accident with the self timer here.


 also, a little line i wrote in bed this morning:

#2

last night i dreamed that i looked outside my window,
into our little backyard,
and there was a pure white bunny sleeping in the grass,
with a nose shaped like a heart.
so i went to the fridge and i came back with a carrot,
and she hopped upon the window sill and of course began to eat it.
when she was finished, she hopped into my room,
then she looked around and told me that she liked how it was decorated.
i asked if she would like to stay,
and maybe be my bunny,
and she said that if i really wanted her,
then she would like to stay with me.
i tied a ribbon around her neck
and decided to call her pagoda,
i took her for a walk in our neighborhood
and we went for ice cream sodas.
it took me a while to remember that most rabbits cannot talk,
but once i remembered, i looked down at her and i asked her how she was speaking.
she hopped two times, smiled up at me and with a twinkle in her eye, replied--
in simple words she said to me: "silly girl, you're only dreaming!"