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i don't know why, but i felt like posting this excerpt from a letter that i wrote today. i think i finally found some of the words i've been searching for.

dear ******, i apologize dearly for the time it's taken me to write back to your previous letters. i am going to try and include all my words in this email.    1. thank you so very, very much for sending me new skin for the old ceremony. i really enjoyed listening to it. i like how emotional leonard cohen's voice is, like his heart is ripping apart sometimes when he sings.  ...    5. in response to the email you sent me on sunday, february 17th, i have quite a bit to say:    6. first, thank you so much for your honesty and kind words. i agree that my productivity hit a rough patch last year. i think that when i initially started taking pictures, i was trying to invent the kind of life i wanted to live, the things i wanted to have. i made art for no other reason than simply wanting to make art. but as i started going to college, i made less art, and more of it was for teachers and clients. and then last year i pretty much stopped trying to invent my perfect world. instead, i was trying to be happy with what i had. i met a sweet boy, and although i can't quite say for sure, i think i fell in love with him, or at least the idea of him. he is a very important person to me, and he has helped me in so many ways, but for the first ten months when we were together, i devoted all my time to his happiness, and spent less time on my own passions in exchange . . . if you want, i can send you a separate letter with all the details. looking back at all the pictures i took when i was 17, it is apparent to me that they were almost all taken for other people, not for myself, or my perfect world, as they used to be.     7. i guess the truth is that the older i get, the less time i find to devote to making the artwork i want to make. it just feels as though every year i lose more and more of my hopes and dreams and aspirations. i suppose that is what growing up is about. i find solace in looking for others' artwork and music to fall in love with, to devote myself to. it is hard though, because i think for most people, as they get older, they find that they only have so much love left to give, and their passions diminish. i am trying to avoid this, but i'm not sure how much longer i can go on loving things with all my heart. i am so afraid a day will come when i won't have any love left in me to give.    8. reading about your life has had an endearing effect on my heart. i can relate to so many of the things you wrote about. i only wish i could visit you at your library one day, and that i could go to the cinema with you, and that we could talk more about music and art, and that you would be happy. i think happiness is so terribly important, and all i ever want is to make other people happy, regardless of my own often sad feelings. ... very kindest regards, anna *(this post will self destruct really soon - idk when, man.)