i don't know why, but i felt like posting this excerpt from a letter that i wrote today. i think i finally found some of the words i've been searching for.
i apologize dearly for the time it's taken me to write back to your previous letters. i am going to try and include all my words in this email.
1. thank you so very, very much for sending me new skin for the old ceremony. i really enjoyed listening to it. i like how emotional leonard cohen's voice is, like his heart is ripping apart sometimes when he sings.
5. in response to the email you sent me on sunday, february 17th, i have quite a bit to say:
6. first, thank you so much for your honesty and kind words. i agree that my productivity hit a rough patch last year. i think that when i initially started taking pictures, i was trying to invent the kind of life i wanted to live, the things i wanted to have. i made art for no other reason than simply wanting to make art. but as i started going to college, i made less art, and more of it was for teachers and clients. and then last year i pretty much stopped trying to invent my perfect world. instead, i was trying to be happy with what i had. i met a sweet boy, and although i can't quite say for sure, i think i fell in love with him, or at least the idea of him. he is a very important person to me, and he has helped me in so many ways, but for the first ten months when we were together, i devoted all my time to his happiness, and spent less time on my own passions in exchange . . . if you want, i can send you a separate letter with all the details. looking back at all the pictures i took when i was 17, it is apparent to me that they were almost all taken for other people, not for myself, or my perfect world, as they used to be.
7. i guess the truth is that the older i get, the less time i find to devote to making the artwork i want to make. it just feels as though every year i lose more and more of my hopes and dreams and aspirations. i suppose that is what growing up is about. i find solace in looking for others' artwork and music to fall in love with, to devote myself to. it is hard though, because i think for most people, as they get older, they find that they only have so much love left to give, and their passions diminish. i am trying to avoid this, but i'm not sure how much longer i can go on loving things with all my heart. i am so afraid a day will come when i won't have any love left in me to give.
8. reading about your life has had an endearing effect on my heart. i can relate to so many of the things you wrote about. i only wish i could visit you at your library one day, and that i could go to the cinema with you, and that we could talk more about music and art, and that you would be happy. i think happiness is so terribly important, and all i ever want is to make other people happy, regardless of my own often sad feelings.
very kindest regards,
*(this post will self destruct really soon - idk when, man.)